The realization and solution

I figured some of it out.

I've been trying to figure out what has changed this year - why did I not mind my job the first few years, and dread it now? The B was the same, but something else obviously changed.

I realized what it was for both the jobs.

About a year ago, one of the co-directors for the institute quit the project because he was tired of not being respected. He did so by throwing a spectacular email tantrum. Now, to his credit, most of what he said was VERY true. On a side note, the B forwarded this email to all his students (they should never be included in faculty issues) as he way of alerting them to his leaving the project and another grant. Now, this guy wasn't as involved in the grant because he and B fought over control but he was part of the institute. B was great at finding the funding opportunities, M was great at finding the heart - the things you do because it is the right thing to do even if it doesn't make money and sometimes costs it. The focus of the institute shifted from being a well rounded organization to being "how much money can we make."

I stopped liking it. I wasn't go at doing activities I don't believe in, I couldn't just produce a product I didn't think had value or a market that would buy it. As my "failure to produce" on the one project existed - the perception became that I wasn't producing in either project.

The other project was a different ball of wax. I've done more to run the project than an other individual. I would determine what needed to be done and many times make sure someone was doing it. I had very little support and even less thanks or appreciation.

So, now I understand why.

Now that I understand why, I can better prepare what to say. After all, I truly know that telling the truth will not help anything. I'm thinking that I may just say that I'm cutting back my workload because Sarah needs me more (which is true). If pushed about why I'm leaving these projects, I'll start with "I'm ready for a new challenge." I think that will allow the graceful exit.

I did tell my "new boss" that I'm making a change. She thought that it was a big loss for the other projects, but was really glad I was going to stick with her. I didn't tell her that there are some who wouldn't view it as anything big.

I've done the "not really working" thing before. I'm getting comfortable with the idea of doing it again. I just found out a friend is taking over our local dance studio, and is going to relocate it and expand it to include a gymnastics gym - something we have REALLY missed over the past 4 years. I've told her that I'm willing to help any way she needs. If I'm only working a little, I'll have time to do that.

So that is where my brain is! Better than the other day. Now to reconcile myself to not having a reason for my house to be a mess or my dinners not to be organized.