What feminism means to me.

After reading blogs, bulletin boards, etc, I developed this rant this morning. I got tired of reading "the feminists said this, why are they not supporting Palin, and how could they say that. etc." This was all in the vain of "How could the feminists not be supportive of one of their own." Once again it reminded me that feminism is still considered a negative thing.

So, I wrote this rant, and I thought I'd share it here.

To me, feminism means equal opportunity, it means equal pay for equal work, it means the right to decide to stay home with my kids or to work (or to have my DH be a SAHD instead). As a feminist, I don't believe that primary role of childcare needs to occur by me - I think my spouse can do the job. We get options and should not be beat up for exercising those options. As a feminist, I expect to be treated with respect for wanting my daughters lives to be better than mine, and those before me.

I am a feminist even if the word has been used as a way of describing the most extreme.

I am appalled that Sarah Palin's role as mother has become an issue for whether she is qualified to run this country (because I do believe that we need to vote for our VP with the knowledge that they can be the one to run this country. I don't think it's right that she is criticized for running for office with a special needs child. We don't know what plan her family has made for this child's care. She doesn't have to be primary caregiver - her spouse can be. I hate that her other child's pregnancy has become a criticism for her views on sex education. I'm not certain that I will have as much input in my 17 y.o.s actions, I don't think she is to blame for hers.

I hate that the way she looks or dresses is appropriate for our society to focus on. We don't comment about the fact that our other candidates are attractive, why should that be the focus for Palin?

But, I don't support her as a VP candidate because I don't believe in her politics. I don't agree with her views or what she would likely want to see legislated.

I wouldn't want to see anyone support her just because she is a woman, any more than I would want to see someone rejected as a candidate just because she is a woman.

But, I pride myself on being a feminist. I pride myself on wanted my daughters to be able to hold the job they want, get paid as much for that job as the male sitting next to them, to not have to fight for respect when they chose to work rather than stay home or defend the choice to stay home and not work.

Hell, I look forward to the day I can see the sororities be given the same prize amount for a stupid snow statue competition on our university campus. But DH and I are still working on that battle.

And I look forward to the day I can say I'm a feminist without feeling like it's a bad thing.

Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Fate??

Yesterday, I saw the Dean who didn't hire me the other week. Thankfully, I knew in advance that he was going to be at the lunch I was organizing. I ended up running into him in the back hall and we were able to chat.

I said hello and asked how he was settling in (he's a new arrival at the University). He indicated he recognized me but wasn't sure why. I told him that I'd interviewed with him and I was the unsuccessful candidate.

I was impressed when he told me that someone from the committee should chat with me. We decided to just chat then rather than later.

Turns out that there were lots of applicants (about 18), and only two people interviewed. It basically boiled down to I had lots of things R didn't have (but he wouldn't elaborate in fairness to R.(?)), she had experience in the one skill I had knowledge of and her undergrad degree was engineering, I'd only worked with them for 15 years.

They spent almost a week debating the direction I could take them vs. R and finally decided on her.

We've left the door open for future employment.

I'm glad I didn't have to face this last week, I wasn't ready. But, this week I could be perfectly upbeat about not getting the job because I am. When it's time for me to work full time, it will show up. In the meantime, I'll just keep plugging along!

I do feel better knowing that it was only two of us seriously considered and took almost a week to decide. At 2nd choice I can feel better. And I've been in the situation of trying to decided between two people we'd hirer in a heartbeat and discussing the this direction vs. that direction. We solved that one by a coin toss. Sometimes it's just that close.

AND, I never would have called the Dean to ask about the results so running into him to tell me was even better because now he holds a positive impression of me and I got to hear 'his version' rather than the faculty member who was on the committee. And, he wants to think about applying for a grant like the one we've held and wants to chat about it.

Various

While driving around my town, I've been listening to "French Women Don't Get Fat" on CD. I'm really enjoying it. Her information is pretty basic and common sense. The bottom line is: everything in moderation, know your trigger points, and you need to balance the amount coming in (food) with the energy expended (exercise/movement). After 20 odd years of watching what I'm doing, I have a pretty good idea of what to do. I've done weight watchers on and off for the past 10 years. My weight hasn't changed much with the exception of the years I was doing sprint triathlons and was swimming three mornings a week, running 3-5 days a week, and doing aerobics/weight training 3-5 times a week. Even with all of that, I was only a solid size 12. I'd love a 10, would be satisfied with a 12. Oh yea, did I mentioned that I then met DH and spent more time going out than at the gym?

I think for me, I'd do ok if only I could force myself to plan my meals and document, document, document. I've not really done that part well. But, I digress.

I've been enjoying this book because she talks so much about the different cultures she has lived in (French and U.S.), about her journey. I may have to look at the book in it's traditional form to see if she includes recipes.

But, I'm doing this a bit in preparation for September. Yesterday was my last day working for the institute. 10 hours of my work week, and the one that caused me the most stress, ended. OK, we had a visitor in town on one of my jobs and so I didn't have time to train the new person - so I have to go in for a while today.

Next week I have the girls at home with me, the week after is orientation so I will start everything in earnst on the Tuesday after labor day (shoot, I have to prep everything for the start of the semester!! My students will expect class stuff).

Anyway, I won't be at the office as much which means I have to set the house up for eating. I will join the gym for Sept so I can do weights. And, I will see if losing some of the stress in my life, having more time to myself, and a better plan means I can FINALLY fit in my favorite jeans from 13 years ago that I wore once after Sydney was born before the PTSD resulted in my oreo obsession.

Anyone want to join me? I could always someone to discuss ideas for menu plans!

Mea Culpa

It has been pointed out to me that I failed to update y'all on the outcome of Monday's activities.

Well, I started running. I'm still at the run 30-90 steps, walk 30-90 steps phase, but today I did this to and from campus. With my extra time, I should be able to manage training a few times a week.

Yes, I will have extra time. I told 'unofficial boss' first. And, in one of *those* moments, I decided to tell boss personally. He didn't deserve it, but in the interest. . . . .I did. I gave my two week notice for project number 1. This was the project I really hated. I also gave my notice for the other project- but will continue until the proposal is turned in at the end of Oct. We just have so much going on that feel it's only fair to not desert the project.

I did give Sarah as the official reason.

I also talked with the guy who left the project a year ago. He was a bit surprised to learn that "everyone found me difficult to work with," which made me feel good.

So, I'm going to try to finish up some of my projects, work on handing off others. I'm going to continue to working on the third grant. So, for the next two weeks, I will work on all three grants, then until October I will work the two grants (20 hours) and teach, then after that I will be down to one 8 hour job and teaching.

So, soon I will have no excuses not to keep the house clean, dinner nice and organized, and to exercise regularly.

I did spend a bit of time trying to reconcile myself to being at home again rather than working. I know I'm lucky to have the ability to work just enough to keep my foot in the door. This is important because if some we win some of the larger scale proposals that have included some administrative support, I can be added without too much trouble.

Last night, a friend and I celebrated. She made margaritas and a wonderful Spanikopita using mixed greens from the veggie guy. We watched a very funny and cheesy movie called "The Librarian, Quest for the Spear." We decided we really should have had wine with that much cheese. The cast was wonderful - Noah Wylie, Bob Newhart, Jane Curtain, Olivia Dukakus.

The realization and solution

I figured some of it out.

I've been trying to figure out what has changed this year - why did I not mind my job the first few years, and dread it now? The B was the same, but something else obviously changed.

I realized what it was for both the jobs.

About a year ago, one of the co-directors for the institute quit the project because he was tired of not being respected. He did so by throwing a spectacular email tantrum. Now, to his credit, most of what he said was VERY true. On a side note, the B forwarded this email to all his students (they should never be included in faculty issues) as he way of alerting them to his leaving the project and another grant. Now, this guy wasn't as involved in the grant because he and B fought over control but he was part of the institute. B was great at finding the funding opportunities, M was great at finding the heart - the things you do because it is the right thing to do even if it doesn't make money and sometimes costs it. The focus of the institute shifted from being a well rounded organization to being "how much money can we make."

I stopped liking it. I wasn't go at doing activities I don't believe in, I couldn't just produce a product I didn't think had value or a market that would buy it. As my "failure to produce" on the one project existed - the perception became that I wasn't producing in either project.

The other project was a different ball of wax. I've done more to run the project than an other individual. I would determine what needed to be done and many times make sure someone was doing it. I had very little support and even less thanks or appreciation.

So, now I understand why.

Now that I understand why, I can better prepare what to say. After all, I truly know that telling the truth will not help anything. I'm thinking that I may just say that I'm cutting back my workload because Sarah needs me more (which is true). If pushed about why I'm leaving these projects, I'll start with "I'm ready for a new challenge." I think that will allow the graceful exit.

I did tell my "new boss" that I'm making a change. She thought that it was a big loss for the other projects, but was really glad I was going to stick with her. I didn't tell her that there are some who wouldn't view it as anything big.

I've done the "not really working" thing before. I'm getting comfortable with the idea of doing it again. I just found out a friend is taking over our local dance studio, and is going to relocate it and expand it to include a gymnastics gym - something we have REALLY missed over the past 4 years. I've told her that I'm willing to help any way she needs. If I'm only working a little, I'll have time to do that.

So that is where my brain is! Better than the other day. Now to reconcile myself to not having a reason for my house to be a mess or my dinners not to be organized.

And now I wait. . .

If I don't get the job, it won't be because I didn't prove I was capable, understood the issues, and demonstrated experience in 95% of all items. In fact, the one area that I didn't have direct experience, I was able to describe the university resources, policies, possible models, and disadvantage the School will have in utilizing part of the model (as well as the faculty resistance)..

They did tell me that I'd have to give up teaching for the job - but I told them that I can't work full time and teach and that I recognized that it was an either or situation that I had come to terms with when I applied for the job.

The hope to either make a decision out of today's interviews or hold second interviews next week. They want a quick start date.

I do really want to say more (esp before I forget), but I'm too tired. I hope I don't forget by tomorrow.

Sarah has a friend spending the night tonight, so I may be awake for a bit.

I did come to a realization. I'm not sure if I"m opposed to working full time, or if I'm opposed to working full time if it's going to be at a job that is not at my capability. Maybe if I'm actually doing what I could be, working at my respected level rather than just working at my level in a job that isn't - maybe I won't be so frustrated by in.

In the past 10 years, I've had no real potential at any of my jobs. I came close to my level for 3 mos. This is the closest I've come.

The best part, I know that I'm not going to be stuck forever! When asked if I was available quickly, I said that I'd already thought about my exit strategy. I didn't tell them that it was because I was exiting no matter what.

I did send my email thank you note tonight. I prefer snail mail for thank yous, but I did email because the turn around is fast and I needed to send them a references contact information. (I didn't bring it on purpose so I would have something to contact back with.)

I'm home

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I have a killer headache, my house is a mess, I'm so thrilled to be home!!

I have missed sleeping with DH. After 11 years of marriage and 2 years of not always sleeping alone before that, I don't always sleep well without DH. I guess that I spent much of last night snuggled up to DH (or as he put it, pushing him out of bed).

The girls did well on our flights home - esp considering that we were flying at bedtime and landed at our home airport at midnight. I had asked my mom to check the girls room to see if I forgot anything, unfortunately, she checked the beds REALLY well, but didn't look at the hooks on the wall. Sydney's pink princess cowboy hat was left in the room. Thankfully, our layover at the airport in Minneapolis occurred such that the shops were still open, so we bought a new one. At $10, it was about the same price as mailing it back to us as to buy another one. I'll post a picture of it later this week.

My dad taught Sarah to play chess this week. She really enjoys it. I might have to see if I can find an online game for her that will play at her level. I suspect there will be one out there.

My mom worked with the girls on making some ceramic tiles. Unfortunately, they didn't dry in time, so she will have to fire them then mail them to us (I just hope she can do that before the fair next month!) I'll need to find someone here to finish the firing after we glaze them, but since I have two friends who do ceramics, I think I'll be able to.

Considering that the girls were sharing a room, not home, and were all out of their normal routine, they did really well!

They had a blast playing with their cousins, almost enjoyed playing in the bay (except for the various jellyfish stings they both received), loved kayaking (Sarah even took a boat out by herself, with an adult in the water with her),

I even managed to exercise every other day!

Back to reality. I think I'll head to bed now, as there is so much more I want to say, but I'm not completely coherent now.

Tomorrow, Sydney has a followup appointment with the ENT and on Tuesday we drive down to Marshfield to see the neurologist for Sarah. I don't think I've mentioned it much, but Sarah has some nervous tics we want to have checked out.

And I actually had a camera with me

This has been a bad week. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm frustrated. The house is a mess and I don't have the energy to clean it. In fact, as soon as I post this I'm going to sleep.

Last night, the girls were waking a bit and at times I couldn't get back to sleep as my brain engaged. At one point I wished I could have rolled over and turned on the light like my friend Merrit does, but instead I popped on the wireless headphones and listened to Murphy Brown while I tried to stop thinking.

Tonight was Sydney's last t-ball game and Sarah's first playoff game in the loser bracket as they lost the opening game Monday (but that is a rant for a different day - I'm almost calm enough to write about it). So, I was sticking around Sarah's game tonight to see how things would go. There was a rain storm rolling in and we could hear rumbles of thunder. All of a sudden, we saw a large crack of lightning immediately followed by a LOUD crack of thunder and all kids were pulled from the field. The parents and kids stood around a bit while the coaches chatted. And then the rain came. It wasn't just rain, it was down pour as we all ran to cars. It was a short and intense rain. The girls ended up with DH because his car was closer which left me driving alone.

All of a sudden, I looked up and saw a rainbow through the rain. I pulled into a parking lot and took some pictures. Then I drove on to see if I could find a shot that didn't include the telephone wire through it. It was almost gone, but there, so I took it too. Then I kept on driving and low and behold, down along the lake was a full end to end rainbow. I couldn't fit it in either of my lenses, but it should be pretty nice.

It's regular 35 mm film because my digital doesn't take action shots so I can't see what I got until I have it developed, but I think I might have some fun pics.

Maybe it's the sign I need that my decisions earlier this week are the right ones. All I can say is that I've never had camera and rainbow occur at the same time.

Yesterday's post, cont'd

I have a few minutes to finish up my post from yesterday.

The other thing that DH was doing was offering to cover the difference in first prize between the fraternity and women's group for two years time if they would spend that time working to fix the prize disparity. I love that he is not saying "this is wrong, you should fix it," but instead is saying "this is wrong, let me help you while you fix it." I'm not sure what he decided to offer because I also pointed out that 2nd and 3rd prize are also different. He didn't think about that.

As a side note (which I just found a little interesting), the ranking for the divisions when you are choosing which group you are competing in, women's group is ranked 4th, but is 2nd in prize packages.

We had a busy day yesterday. Syd had t-ball practice which I took her, then we went to run errands while DH took Sarah for coach pitch practice. I really like the practice they had organized this year. The kids in each division spent 90 minutes, two times this week, at a coaches clinic. When they got their, they divided into small groups and rotated through six stations. The coaches were able to work on skills (hitting, throwing, catching, grounders, running bases, etc.) in small groups with more individualized attention than they can give on the field with an entire team and two coaches.

The dining room is moving along. I have to paint the doors and drawers (all but one is primed), paint the trim (not too hard as it's already the color, I'm just touching up), paint the spot in the ceiling that is green, paint the trim in the entryway (same color retouch), and paint the ceiling in the entryway. Then post pictures! We have snow on the ground - more light dusting but I think we are suppose to get more snow today. ARGGGGG.

I tried to post this yesterday, but the insert images was not working. But, here's yesterday's 'done dids':

I was getting very close to finising the hutch, but DH looked at me last night and said "I know I should have said this before you painted, but should I take out the tracks from the old mirror doors? So, we did. I have patching to do. But, check out the pink color the room was painted once. I've seen it on almost all the walls.



So, the electrician showed up, my motivation didn't. But, I love the way the lights look.

This is the dining room:

This is the front entry. Unfortunately, the one light is - well a 1/2 inch smaller than the old base. So, the entry way ceiling now needs to be painted.

I also need to create a menu for a casual dinner at the house for a group. Make aheads are a plus so I can mingle with the guests. Grilling is also possible. Suggestions welcome. DH's first PhD student is graduating, so we having him, his son, parents, grandparents, etc over for a celebration.

overuse of muscles

I didn't expect to have my muscles hurt so much after so many days of painting, but today I'm hurting a bit. I also finished too late for a bath last night - maybe that is the problem.

But, I met my goal of having the hutch painted yesterday. Today I need to touch up two spots of green and then I can put the shelves back (and the stuff laying all over the playroom/kitchen).

I did make one small mis-calculation. for some reason I thought the white was oil based, so I didn't sand down the full hutch. Oh well!

Now if everyone could think good thoughts tomorrow that the electrician shows up as expected. People around here aren't great at keeping appointments. I also need the stove guy to show back up. He needs to finish the job!!

Thank goodness they diddn't sell too many

1,500 cookie boxes! I have to sort 1,500 boxes of cookies between 17 girls. There is a special place in the world for cookie moms and dads! I don't mind doing the job, but my goodness the sorting process is a bit tedious.

Plus, it prevents me from working on this:

(or the proposal I need to read through and provide comments).

Why moms CAN get sick

(companion piece to the one below) I may make fun of my DHs tendency to be like his brethren, but he is also very sweet.

Last night, my dear friend Dr. Poultry called to see if there was any way I felt well enough to have her kids over tomorrow since they were having a tough time finding sitter and were in a bind.

Knowing how easy her kids are to take care of - I said sure, and DH agreed (even though he'd have to be on call to help).

DH helped clean up the house and even made sure I didn't overdo it, sending me to rest periodically.

Dr. P. packed a wonderful lunch for her children, and even sent extra jello for my kids (which they devoured and declared wonderful). I asked DH to put the kids lunch on plates for them so they could eat while Sydney took her rest. Each lunch item was labeled and I watched from the couch as he got them set up. I started to remind them to get spoons for the jello and oranges and he reminded me that he knew what to get (ok, he knows what to get for kids, not so great for adults! LOL).

He then reminded me that he took care of Sarah when I went on a girls weekend when she was two and took care of both girls while I went on travel twice last spring. I had to agree that the girls didn't look like they had starved while I was away.

He made sure K and A were set and their packages were opened, etc.

So, I may get frustrated sometimes when he doesn't anticipate my needs, but he is very good at taking care of anything for the house when I say that I'm not feeling well enough to do it. I just have to make sure he understands what I am asking.

Why mom's don't get sick

You arrive home from work at 5:10, you wife asks if you got the email asking you to pick up her prescription, you didn't, so you run out to get it. When you return, you ask your sick wife if she is feeling better. She tells you that she has a fever again. So, you head to the back bedroom to watch NASCAR qualifying.

At 5:50, you wife finally wanders to the back bedroom to ask you to please get the girls some dinner. All the while, she is wondering why when she has a fever of 101 and is shivering with the flu does she have to think about getting dinner for the family and at what point might he have realized that you are not in any shape to cook tonight.

Oh wait, I forgot, we have that agreement where you will do anything I need if only I ask.

Snow

Yes, it's snowing again.

*looks outside*

*sighs*

Today's agenda:

clean house
sew curtains
go to tea with friends
wait for stove repair guy - again! - if he doesn't show up today, it's on to the next company!

Busy week in review

Last weekend the girls and I went over to help the frozen car artists. We have had two visiting artists here for the past month who have been working on a frozen car sculpture. The original concept was very different that the (almost) finished product, the original plan was to encase a 1970s NOVA muscle car in ice to represent our 'frozen' dependence on oil for our cars (meaning that since the oil crisis from the 70s we haven't changed much of our attitudes in the past 30 years.

Here are the girls working on the project:


The usual stuff happened in the beginning of the week, Monday's meeting didn't work and so I spent my day off on Tuesday trying to figure out fix the problem by emailing on an off all day and not cleaning the house the way I wanted. We had invited the visiting artists to dinner on Thurs so I needed to clean.

But, I did get the dining room cleaned (and started prepping the walls for painting.

During the course of the week, I did successfully clean the house (well, the living room didn't quite get done, but was good enough).

Thursday the artists joined us for dinner. The girls grabbed them as they walked in the door and pretty well monopolized them until bedtime.

Friday, I relaxed a bit in my almost clean house.

Friday night Sarah and I had mommy/daughter book group. We were reading The Borrowers. We didn't quite finish it. I quickly made mini lemon poppy seed muffins for the dinner at book group.

Saturday was Sydney's swimming birthday party. Friday night, after book group, I baked the cake (and found out Sat morning that I burned on round). Sat was a quick trip to the store for more cake mix and while it was cooking I made the frosting. Sydney wanted a Tinkerbell swimming pool cake. I had a 10 in and 8 in round cakes that she decided she wanted put in a figure 8 for the big pool and little pool. She wanted sprinkles to be punching balloons in the pool (like we were having at her party) so I punched round holes using my scrap booking tool from non-stick parchment paper and used that to poor sprinkles into the circles. Then gummy lifesavers around teddy grahams because swimmers. I cut a tinkerbell from the party plate and she stood behind the pool (pressed into the icing).

The party was fun and outside of forgetting the camera and the ice cream, went off with out a hitch. I was going to run home to get them, but decided instead to go next door to walmart for a disposable camera (so you will have to wait for pictures).

Today we have ice skating show practice. We need to figure out how to manage it as Syd's practice is 5:00, Sarah's at 5:30, and the group number at 6:00. It's mainly do we have Joe bring Sarah later or just hang out.

Now to keep the house clean and finish with declutter/cleaning the rest of the house.